It’s HanRnukah. My arms are JACKED from grating potatos. Someone asked for my Latke recipe and I never really had one, just loose guidelines. So I wrote those down. They are open for interpretation cause only bakers have to be precise. Rules are for suckers and people who bake. If you cook, you can just go with whatever. I am a cook, not a baker. In life too. Anyways. Here’s the latke recipe/guidelines…
I buy a 5 pound bag of potatoes (long island is way better than russet, I dunno why, I just like em better and they’re cheaper cause they’re local. I think), 1 Large spanish onion, 1 BOX with the 2 pack of matzah ball mix, they are 4.5 ounce packets. and 4 eggs. also go find a shit ton of oil (vegetable) and kosher salt and WHITE pepper. black pepper makes shit not as pretty.
Turn on the oven to warm, find a cookie sheet and a cooling rack. I’ll explain in a bit.
Put a bunch of oil in the pan, put it on the stove but don’t turn it on yet, you have a lot of prep work.
peel potatos. explain to anyone who complains that its the way your peoples did it in the old country and to stop kvetching. Then grate the potatos by hand. seriously, they just dont taste as good if you use a food processor. your bubbe did it this way and you have to also. you also have to complain while doing so, loudly and as nasally as possible. i grate into a colander cause as the potatos sit, they will turn brown and get soggy, this way the water can drain out. don’t go crazy, the fluid that drains out is fine, if it seems SUPER moist than use one less egg but you should be fine. you’re gonna fry these fuckers and the beauty is in the randomness of them. grate the onion now too. cry. do not blame the onions, explain you are crying because your bubbella would be rolling over in her grave were she to see the tattoo/shiksa/bacon your precious child loves. if bubbella is not in her grave, blame your great grandma tzeidle, really embrace your inner tevye a la fiddler on the roof. break in the eggs, dump in a heaping palmfull of kosher salt, dump in about half as much white pepper. now dump in the matzah ball mix. i like this cause it has the matzah meal you need plus a lil bit of onion and garlic and salt, which lets be honest, you probably didn’t use enough of to satiate your great uncle mordechai’s salty tooth even though aunt ester says its awful for his sodium levels, tell them to stuff it and just to take another water pill. if shlomo hadn’t decided to run off with that asian girl, you all could be having hannukah there. anyways, i digress. turn on the flame under the oil, let the oil get hot enough that you can stick the handle of a wooden spoon in and bubbles come off the wood. while its getting hot, mix the whole megillah up. use your hands. make sure you washed them. start dumping in globs of latke mix. let them fry up, flip m over to cook the other side. when they’re done, put em on the cooling rack on the cookie tray in the oven on warm, let em drain out this way, my dad puts em on paper towels but i hate that. serve up with applesauce and sour cream only if you’re not serving meat. if there’s meat, don’t be a dick, you’re bubbe would roll in her grave. applesauce only. make people feel gulity for not eating what you slaved over a hot stove all day for.
thats how i do it. happy channukah!
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